Just Say No to the Mommy Wars

Mommy Wars: (term) a divisive tactic that is used by the media and pundits to push a particular agenda where moms are concerned. By putting moms against each other, it not only creates polarization, but sells magazines, antagonizes political sides, promotes page views, and takes away from the real matters at hand.

During the last few months, I have witnessed a lot of judgment, name-calling, and soap box talking as it relates to moms. I first saw it in the political arena where “stay at home moms” were pitted against “working moms”. You may remember this happening when Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann, was countered by Democratic strategist, Hillary Rosen. Ann basically said that she loves “stay at home moms”, while Hillary fought back on behalf of the moms who work. I have seen it for years in the breastfeeding debate (those who do and those who don’t breastfeed). And most recently, I’ve seen it with the Time magazine “Attachment Parenting” article in which the cover shows a mom whose three year old son is sucking on her breast.

Basically, it’s who is the better mom?

The stay at home mom or the working mom?

The breastfeeding mom or the mom that chooses formula?

The married mom or the single mom?

Homeschooler moms or moms who send their child to traditional schools?

{See a pattern here?}

This type of argument is ridiculous, of course. In real life, not everything is black and white. I have been both a stay at home mom and a working mom and there are advantages and disadvantages to both. Children being brought up by stay at home moms don’t always turn out to be “perfect children”. And when we place these labels on moms, then there is sure to be people who have issues with it—me included.

Being a mom isn’t easy, no matter what circumstance you are in. I know moms that have never worked outside of the home who have kids that have had issues with the law, etc. Despite the fact that they have been there for their kids (and some moms have given up their careers and jobs to be a stay at home mom), their children may have turned out not the way they expected. And I know moms who worked 12 hours days and have children who are now going to school to be doctors. To make everything either or based on the “type” of mom someone is quite silly to me.

And while us moms should be encouraging one another and having each others backs, outside forces via magazine articles, blog posts, and other propaganda are asking us if we are “mom enough.”

Where are the articles asking are men dads enough?

Where is the public outcry over the term working moms? Do we refer to dads as working dads?

These mommy wars are straight up ridiculous. I am not one who uses Attachment Parenting, but if another mom wants to, then I am all for it. If they like it, I love it. I have my own children to raise—I can’t be worried about the methods another parent uses to raise their kids.

And I won’t let someone else who doesn’t know me or my situation judge how good of a mom I am.

For years, when my son was younger, I wanted to be a stay at home mom. But reality said otherwise. I was a single mom and had to work. My son was in daycare when he was just a few months old because I had to work full-time to take care of the bills. I didn’t have a choice. Did that make me any less than a mom who could stay at home? I certainly think not.

There are women who choose to work outside of the home, who do it because they want to. This choice doesn’t make them bad moms. But for some reason, we are always looking to play the blame game by identifying the “hero” and the “bad guy”.

Moms, don’t fall for the okie doke. Do what you need to do as a parent. Do what you feel is right. Yes, statistics may say that those moms who do X,Y,Z, may turn out to be healthier, stronger, etc. But if you aren’t “built” to do it, don’t feel pressure to. You deserve much more than to be judged about how you choose to raise your children. And I’d like to think as moms, we all do the best we can.

As long as you are not breaking the law (and of course within reason), I say, parent the way you want to parent.

Women, we tend to be harder on each other than men are on us. Why is that? We tend to look down on each other, show cattiness and judgment. But when we learn to support each other, despite our differences, then we may be able to move further ahead.

So I say, just say no to the Mommy Wars.

Do you, Boo!

What is your take on the Mommy Wars? Are you engaged in the discussion? Are you frustrated at the way moms are being pitted against one another in the media?