Having my daughter at age 28 wasn’t in the plan. I already had an almost ten year old son, and my then spouse and I talked about having kids, but didn’t really plan for it. When I got pregnant and we found out it was a girl, I didn’t know whether to be excited or overwhelmed. I was a certified Boy Mom—I had that under control. I knew how to be a mom to my son, but didn’t exactly know if I could be a good mom to a daughter.
A lot of my insecurity stemmed from the somewhat complicated relationship I had with my mother. My mom and I had an up and down mother daughter thing for most of my life. The last thing I wanted to do was to pass those turbulent characteristics onto our mother/daughter bond.
On February 17, 2004 when my daughter was born and I held her in my arms for the very first time, it surpassed the feeling of love. All of the doubts that I had about being a mom to this little girl dissolved after taking one look at her. I vowed from that moment to always be there for her and never let her feel like anything less than the wonderful human that she was.
This little woman is now fifteen and about to embark on her summer before her sophomore year of high school. She’s a straight-A student with plenty of academic accolades, and she is a teacher and school faculty favorite. There’s a light around her that follows her wherever she goes, and when people meet her for the first time, they fall in love with her. She’s kind, compassionate, sensitive, hardworking, and has been an easy child to raise so far.
I didn’t know that I needed her, but God did, and He sent her to me, allowing me to see that there is beauty in the world—still.
I don’t deserve her. I don’t. I was a hardheaded teen who was boy crazy and did everything my parents told me not to. I didn’t follow the rules, or give any consideration to anyone else’s feelings. I always thought that when and if I had a girl, I would get paid back in full for all of the stupid things I did.
Instead, I was blessed with an angel of a daughter who makes me feel so full of love on a daily basis.
I ain’t worthy, ya’ll.
How I was blessed with this amazing daughter sometimes brings tears to my eyes—and if you know me, you know how hard that is to do. I don’t cry, but just the thought of her makes me misty.
This world is a horrible place, and the 24/7 news cycle reminds me of this on a daily. Luckily for me, I have heaven on earth in the form of a fifteen year old beam of light who is just down the hall from me and who makes even the darkest days seem worth it.
Thank you, universe, for my daughter. Thank you for giving me something that I don’t deserve and for trusting me to be her mom even though my flawed motherhood needs so much work.
Love is not a big enough word to describe. I am forever grateful to her for making me a Girl Mom, and showing me that we can reverse generational curses.
When she gets older, I hope that she looks at this public declaration of love and knows that she has always been worth it.
Photos by Chip Dizard